The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
Modern Love
By DANIEL JONES
"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
In Mandy Len Catron's
Modern Love essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This," she refers
to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores
whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask
each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study
are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than
the previous one.
The idea is that
mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study's authors, "One
key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers
is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." Allowing
oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so
this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms.
Catron and her friend try - staring into each other's eyes for four minutes -
is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes
to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. "Two
minutes is just enough to be terrified," she told me. "Four really
goes somewhere."
Set I
1. Given the choice of
anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to
be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a
telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute
a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last
sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to
live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for
the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a
secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things
you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your
life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could
change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes
and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake
up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball
could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything
else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something
that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the
greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value
most in a friendship?
17. What is your most
treasured memory?
18. What is your most
terrible memory?
19. If you knew that
in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you
are now living? Why?
20. What does
friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love
and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing
something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total
of five items.
23. How close and warm
is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other
people's?
24. How do you feel
about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true
"we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room
feeling ... "
26. Complete this
sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share... "
27. If you were going
to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be
important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner
what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you
might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your
partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last
cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner
something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything,
is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die
this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you
most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house,
containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets,
you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be? Why?
35. Of all the people
in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal
problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also,
ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the
problem you have chosen.