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7.11.2011

Are Women More Emotional Than Men?



Are women really more emotional than men?
     I frequently hear women say, "I'm better able to express feelings than my husband" or "He isn't a good talker like I am."
     Here is another way of saying something similar, and, more complete. "Men de-escalate their emotions better than women because they learn how to do this at a young age."
Most men learn very early on that - given their size and capability - to walk around in the world with their feelings on the surface, is risky. Walls get punched, arrests get made, expulsion, 86'ing, etc.
     Testosterone and masculinity are equally powerful in their emotional range as a woman's. But, given the consequences, the sooner a male learns how to control his behavior, the better. 
     Adult men between ages 18-25 are the largest group to die an accidental death. Neurology is behind much of the way male brains respond differently than females, less impulse control, more fight or flight because of the hormone, testosterone. Adolescent males run at a high-risk for all the dangerous activity; motorcycle crashes, slipping off of mountains whilst peeing in the dark, diving, head trauma - women do not encounter the same level of physical danger behind their emotional life.  I don't know many females that punch a hole in their bedroom wall...what male do you know that hasn't struck an inanimate object in a silly fit of anger? 
     In other words, men cannot afford to indulge their feelings - while women haven't learned how to stop the feelings and, as a result, become entangled beyond their control, which is why women are caricatured as irrational, weepy - crazy, even.
     The animal kingdom is a good example of male prowess. When older male elephants are removed, the young male elephants run amok with the herd; they flounder, and become violent, less socially cooperative. The herd suffers without social controls on their masculinity.
Men frequently say, "If I feel my anger, I'll lose control" or "I learned through sports to keep my nerves at bay." Or, even more profoundly, "Once I start crying, I can't stop, so it's better not to start." Frequently, men can offer the date of their decision they turned a switch to "handle my feelings better" - a product of something emotionally overwhelming, also known as a Fisher King wound.
     There are large populations that discourage feelings as a survival tactic, "don't show your fear" or "keep a poker face," i.e. dangerous neighborhoods, military culture, corporate negotiations. By the time a man finds himself in a meaningful adult relationship, with a female partner who has needs about hearing of his inner-world, he has spent years organizing those emotions like a levee. 
     Again, look at the animal kingdom as a better illustration; males succeed in perpetuating procreation by puffing up, being bigger, faster, stronger - in a word, dominating.
     Wisely, young boys are encouraged to channel their energy into physical outlets, such as sports, because we know this about males, even as little boys, "teach him martial arts and get that energy out." As I speak with grown men about their thoughts and feelings, it's quite clear to me that they share a deep emotional life, a world of feelings, for their partner, children, family, career goals. (And, yes, men too prefer making love over meaningless sex).
     We really are barking up the wrong tree by minimizing a man's feeling-life or insulting his internal depth. Instead, we can learn to appreciate the power of male energy, acquired self-control, and how it serves our society as a whole. One could even argue that our evolution has sustained itself by the male's learned ability to withdraw (even metabolically shutdown, less verbal skills, more gross motor skills for fleeing or fighting) when confronted with danger to species survival. Men attached to ekg's show an alarming response to female criticism, with chemicals in the brain becoming charged, or, "flooded." Women, not surprisingly, are better able to neurologically process verbal confrontation in the higher-brain areas.
     So, instead of suggesting that men are shallow and emotionally callous - this may be a more thorough way to see them as whole human beings with highly developed skills involving self-control,  combined with learned social behaviors that overall, keeps the ecosystem leaning more towards safety and less towards chaos.