I overheard an interesting conversation last night between two couples. They were discussing a mutual friend - specifically, how the mutual friend seems oblivious to her own son's "out of control" behavior.
I often hear someone say to me, or others, "Why doesn't she do something about her kid?" Or, "Don't his parents see how disrespectful he is?" Usually, the comments then lean to something like, "just wait til she's a teenager...they'll wish they had done something sooner."
I have thought about this and here is my list of reasons why a parent may not be responding to a child's defiant behavior
- They are not aware of age-appropriate behavior and think they're child is "typical"
- Parents are not in agreement on how to intervene, so nothing is attempted
- Attempts are made to properly guide this child but one parent may undermine the other
- The ill-behavior serves as a stabilizer; a psychological function in the family (see Virginia Satir's model of roles)
- Parent(s) may believe that intervening in some fashion changes or "breaks the child's spirit"
- Children are bloodhounds. Often times, their acting out behavior is a comment on home instability - but not always
- Parents think that the child will outgrow bad behavior or that the issue will resolve itself
- Mom or Dad believe that love will prevail; falsely hoping that the constant "love" message will trump the origin of said child's oppositional attitude
- A parent may "project" the parenting they received as children, i.e., "My dad was always angry so I will never be firm/angry/stern with my children," or, "Mom was too involved in my world, I will be hands-off with my kids."
Effective parenting involves clear rules and limits, yet, must be flexible - routine but not rigid. Roles should be well-defined, yet, allow for some interchange - not an easy task! Routine is very helpful, but, it's reasonable to encourage change, growth, and adaptability. Parents should not over-parentify a child by sharing adult concerns about money, marital dissatisfaction or job stress. Parents often desire a "friendship:" with their child but this should not translate into equal power or responsibility. Intelligent parents know that they must be more powerful than their child (imagine how fearful a young person would become to think they were the strongest or smartest person in the room!). Yet, an effective parent can also apologize for a mistake ("I wish I had been more patient this morning when you were late getting ready. I shouldn't have yelled. How can we do this differently tomorrow morning?"). Children's opinions and feelings count, their input is meaningful, but they are not the sole barometer for decision making. Do not withhold love as a punishment (the cold shoulder treatment). Consequences are best delivered swiftly and there's no payoff in sweeping threats ("No birthday party for you this year," or, ("Disneyland is off this summer!") Never do for a child what he can do for himself. Adults should not attempt to meet their needs Allow for failure. Failure is important and a touchstone to character, motivation, confidence and humility.
Is it ok to speak with another child's parent? Yes, but only if you are a close personal friend.
What can be done? If it's not your family member or not a close friend, not much (sad face here). Was a time when our communities were so small that each adult in the tribe felt it was their obligation to steer another's child in a positive direction. Or, an elder (i.e. Grandparent, religious leader) would intercede with some object lesson. Nowadays, we have few living relatives nearby (hence, less supervision, input, and guidance) and parenting is a solo act. How often do we say, "I wish someone had told me..."
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