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12.09.2011

How to Say No

Saying No - Healthy and Assertive

I take the position that people are able to handle it when I say "no" without explanation. And most people can and do. They don't need my assistance in handling this response. Healthy people just move on. 
So, it should be sufficient to simply say "no, thank you" the next time ______asks you to _____. Not "no thank you, I'm too busy" or "No thank you I'm not interested" or whatever the real reason is. 
If a person persists after I have made my decision I sometimes say something like.
"You know, ______I value our friendship and I want to us to continue to have a close trusting relationship but when you do not accept my decisions I think you are not listening to me and I feel tense and anxious (or whatever the feeling is). So please trust me when I say that this decision is final and that when I say "no" I really mean it. If you ask me I again I will have no choice but to think you do not take me at my word and this places me in the uncomfortable position of either defending my decision or saying yes just to make you happy. I do not want to do either."

Alternative written response...
Dear __________,
When I say yes to anything substantial, it is after careful consideration with a the firm intention to fulfill the commitment. This is something I take very seriously as I am true to my word. Please know that I apply this same thoughtful process when I make a decision to say no, as I have to your recent request to _________. I wish you success in this endeavor but please accept my decision to not participate in your worthy project.
Warm regards,

this comes courtesy of my dear friend, Tim Lucey, who knows a thing or two about saying no. 
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