A couple considering separation is in great distress. Separation is a very serious step that can easily lead to an unintended divorce. A separation for our purposes here refer to a couple that still holds a shred of hope for reunification. It is not a "let's take a break and see how it feels to be single, maybe date other people." Monogamy is assumed.
A healthy separation should involve a couple devoted to looking inward and improving oneself so that your very best is brought to your partnership. It involves therapy, self-responsibility, a willingness to forgive your mate, maybe meaningful reading, writing about past hurts, writing a letter of amends to your hurt partner, taking care of oneself (exercise, beginning new activities).
A separation is a planned fracture that should be outlined (with great detail) and agreed upon in advance.
Some nice points are addressed below, but this barely scratches the surface. Other common dilemmas arise: How often should a couple meet while separated? Will physical intimacy be expected/allowed/encouraged? How will physical affection (touching, kissing, hugging) be permitted - spending the night? How about phone calls to one another? House maintenance and stopping by the primary residence?
Logistical Challenges
Separation doesn’t have the same clearly-defined parameters as either marriage or divorce. Accordingly, you and your spouse will have to determine how your separation will be structured and what it means to you. Some issues to discuss…
Dating Other People
Is seeing other people part of the separation? If so, think through how this might impact the possibility of a reunion with your spouse. Should you reconcile, will there be lingering jealousies? If you hope to salvage your marriage, casual dating may not be worth it. One alternative is to date each other—albeit in a limited way. Living apart doesn’t mean you have to cut all ties with each other. Going on dates once a week can inject romance back into your relationship, while allowing sufficient time and space to process through problems.
If you pursue this course, decide in advance what dating your spouse will look like. It may be beneficial to focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy, rather than physical intimacy, during this time. Sex can have an anesthetizing effect—dulling the pain in the relationship while doing nothing to actually address the root issues. As the emotional aspects of your relationship progress, so too can the physical aspect.
If you pursue this course, decide in advance what dating your spouse will look like. It may be beneficial to focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy, rather than physical intimacy, during this time. Sex can have an anesthetizing effect—dulling the pain in the relationship while doing nothing to actually address the root issues. As the emotional aspects of your relationship progress, so too can the physical aspect.
Legal Matters
Some couples pursue a legal separation; others simply move out. Legal separation provides a formal process for outlining financial and living arrangements, as well as child support. The costs and processes involved in a legal separation are similar to those of divorce.
Good Co-Parenting
If you have children, be mindful of how the separation may affect them. A separation can disrupt a child’s basic sense of security and stability. Learning to co-parent effectively and communicate respectfully with your estranged spouse can help reduce the emotional strain on your children.
Resolving Issues
How will you and your spouse work on the problems in your relationship during this time? Jointly identify the specific issues that are causing conflict. Regardless of what happens with the marriage, these issues will need to be addressed. Merely finding a different partner will not erase old heartache or radically alter how you relate to a significant other.
If an affair triggered the separation, trust will need to be rebuilt. This process will require both time and effort. Take advantage of the many affair-recovery resources available—counseling, support groups, etc. If finances are creating problems in your marriage, set a strict budget and consult with a reputable credit counselor. Inability to communicate, lack of emotional connection and addiction are other common (but resolvable) struggles.
Ending the Separation
Some couples remain separated indefinitely, often due to religious or moral objections to divorce. Unless these are your convictions, a prolonged separation is probably not ideal. Set a timeline that is realistic for the severity of your relationship issues (3 months, 6 months, etc.). Schedule a date in advance to sit down together and discuss the future of the relationship. If progress has been made, you may want to consider moving back in together. Ongoing professional care is beneficial, perhaps even necessary, in the recuperation of your marriage. Christina Neumeyer