The Gift of Sensitivity
September 8, 2012 By 7 Comments
MJ Kelly learned that it’s easy to devalue emotional sensitivity, until you see it in your child’s eyes.
I’ve always been just a little bit ashamed
of my sensitive nature. I am not great with criticism, I tend to mull it
over for longer than is strictly healthy, or so I am told. I read into
things that people say, I register their reactions even when they don’t
say anything…it’s exhausting, and it is often seen as a negative. I have
often been told: “Don’t be so sensitive.”
I’ve tried all the fads to cure myself:
Stiff upper lip, hold it inside, don’t let them see your pain, stoicism,
thick-skin, water-off-a-ducks-back, sticks-and-stones mantra: but it
keeps coming back, like weight that won’t stay off.
At what point do we just stop castigating ourselves and accept that we are sensitive and that is okay?
Apparently, it’s when you give birth to a highly sensitive child.
Talk about a perspective-changing experience. My son is perfect, of
course. He also happens to be sensitive to many, many things. Here is a
shortened list:
- Noise (Be it thunder, or just someone creeping past his bedroom door)
- Light
- Food (allergies and intolerances: he is physically sensitive too!)
- Criticism
- Facial Expressions
- Pain (like a tiny cut on the knee, you’d think he needed a freaking operation)
- Taste (Corn on the cob is TOTALLY different from frozen corn, apparently)
This was quite a frustrating first foray into parenting. And I am not
one to pamper to fussy or spoilt little people. But this is not a child
who can be convinced to walk in mud, or swim in a pool without his
goggles to protect his eyes. He is not being fussy, he is genuinely
distressed. Unfortunately, it took me a while to realise this, and maybe
it is because, to his detriment, I was initially quite sensitive to
parental criticism. Because what is the most commonly used word to
describe kids like this?
Wuss.
Wimp.
Wimp.
But here’s the thing: he’s not. He is brave, once he knows his
boundaries. He jumps off high things, plays tackle rugby, rides his bike
as fast as he can. Goes boldly where no 4 year olds dare to go.
And I so LOVE some of his sensitivities, like the fact that he never
took toys off other toddlers, because he understood that he didn’t like
it when they took toys off him, or the fact that he wanted to understand
racism and discrimination at an incredibly early age. So finally, when
we were not changing his behaviour with the ‘toughen up’ approach, my
husband and I agreed that we needed to try something different. We
needed to see how he went if we respected his naturally sensitive
nature, while also encouraging confidence in his choices and his
abilities.
My perfectly sensitive boy
The first hurdle that we faced was our own conditioning towards
sensitivities, the conditioning that leads to labels like ‘Wuss’ and
‘Wimp’. Living in colonially established countries like the USA,
Australia, New Zealand or South Africa has its downsides, especially
when it comes to sensitive men. These are countries that were built on
the backs of hard, tough, men (and women), and these are traditionally
the characteristics that are celebrated. Can you drink your mates under
the table? Are you AWESOME at sport? Silent, brooding types rule: don’t
discuss your emotions.
Women and their emotional enlightenment are often derided, and the
worst thing you can be called is a girl, or a ‘Mommy’s Boy’. So there is
a history of misunderstanding there.
In the older cultures, however, the established European or Eastern
cultures, sensitivity is valued, and often it is holy. The Shaman is
usually a man who has the abilities of foresight and empathy, both
qualities of a sensitive soul. Philosophers, Artists, Writers,
Diplomats, Peacemakers, Carpenters, Activists, Spiritual Advisors,
Teachers, Medicine Men, Priests, Historians, Psychologists, Gardeners,
Veterinarians; these gifted roles usually subscribe to a sensitive
nature.
The next thing we did was find some advice. I was walking around a
bookstore and found a book titled The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine
Aron. Well, I grabbed it with both hands, did a little happy dance, and
purchased it immediately. The title alone affirmed that I was on the
right path! It was such a wonderful eye-opener and it gave us a real
sense of direction with our son, and also a sense of celebration. How
lucky are we to have this beautiful little spirit in our house? And how
can we best raise him to be strong and confident without losing one bit
of this gift of sensitivity? Since 20% of people are naturally
sensitive, it goes to show that this is not an evolutionary anomaly that
is breeding out, but that the human race specifically requires a large
portion of its population to be sensitive. Perhaps because of the
peace-making ability, these are the people who lead us away from pride
and war, and towards integration and forgiveness.
The book talks about a sensitive child as having heightened awareness
of almost every situation. They will notice details, comment on your
clothes or hair from a young age, notice if a piece of furniture has
been removed from the room, or notice before anyone else if a favourite
teacher is not at school. They will often be overwhelmed by this
hypersensitivity. A strong criticism can often drive these kids into
their shells for extended periods of time. The trick is to talk to them,
not shout at them (unless of course it is deserved and they are being
like any kid and deliberately misbehaving!)
You will notice that just the threat of discipline is often enough to
control behaviour. They are goody-two-shoes because they do not like
conflict, and they absolutely thrive in positive affirmation. In fact,
positive affirmation of their actions is the key way in getting these
kids to become more confident and assertive. And not the “you are so
good at that” kind of stuff, but more the “you have done such a good
job!” kind of stuff.
See the thing is, if you are willing to put in the effort now, you
will avoid the two sad outcomes of an emotionally undernourished or
bullied sensitive: Over-sensitivity (people who are so reactive that you
feel like you need to walk on eggshells around them) and Insensitivity
(noticeably bolshy, rude responses that get most people’s backs up).
Both of these characteristics, I believe, stem from naturally sensitive
children having had their self-esteems smashed and their natural
inclinations criticised relentlessly by parents who believe that they
should toughen up.
I was lucky enough to be raised by wonderfully loving and caring
parents, but I have seen the impact on sensitive friends who were not so
lucky, and those implications last a lifetime. There is a great deal of
psychological damage done when someone who is sensitive to criticism is
criticised their whole young life.
On a really positive note, my son has gone from a little boy who
struggled to engage with people at all, to the point where we really
worried about his behaviour, to being supremely confident and happy, in a
very short space of time. He is still sensitive, but he talks himself
through thunderstorms now, and is often just a regular naughty little
boy. Can you believe it, but that is actually a relief for me?! It was
as if he was old before his time, until we understood him, and now he
feels free and unafraid to be little.
So if you think that you have a particularly sensitive child, I
recommend that you take a step back from your culturally
ingrained responses, and educate yourself. Especially if you are not
particularly sensitive yourself. Think about what you want for your
child when they are an adult.
I want my son to feel no need to apologise for his gifts of empathy
and foresight. I want him to be free to use those gifts to succeed in
his chosen field, as well as to succeed as a father if that is in store
for him. And I want our society to celebrate these gifts too. Surely, we
are a better world for these people? And I’m not just saying that
because I’m his mum…
Photo of a boy in the dark courtesy of Shutterstock