• “You must be thinking of Natasha a lot today,” instead of, “Happy Halloween,” “Happy Birthday” (or “Happy” anything).
• “It’s so unfair that Natasha
passed away,” rather than, “Are you getting over it yet” (or the more
tactful version: “Are you feeling better yet”).
• “Tell me about your favorite
Natasha memory,” after you’ve updated me on your child’s latest
milestone. (I might hesitate and stumble; I might not come up with a
very revelatory memory. I might even cry, but I will so appreciate you
acknowledging my child’s life.)
• “It’s hard for me to see you suffer,” instead of changing the subject when my social mask slips and the tears fall.
• “It’s good to see you,” instead of, “How are you.”
• “Remember that time when
Natasha …” My daughter loved many people. She may have loved you or your
child. Share your memories with me, please. You are validating her life
for me, not reminding me that I had a child that died.
• Instead of saying, “I hope
you’re well,” in a letter or e-mail, I wish you’d say, “I was thinking
of Natasha today.” (Yes, I am well, if “well” discounts the fact that
I'm unable to sleep without meds, unable to lose myself in a book, to
truly laugh or experience real joy, or to be in any place closely
associated with Natasha without feeling crushing grief. And her name is
Natasha. Say it for me, please. It’s a beautiful name.)
• Nothing at all when I start
crying. I do it every day. It’s my normal and if you give me a minute or
two, I’ll probably be able to put on my social mask again.
• Some kind words to accompany
those pictures of a new family member that you’re sharing with me. To
bereaved parents, seeing a newborn can be a cruel shove back to the time
when our world was safe, when our late child was an infant, like the
one in the pictures you're showing me, destined for a future full of
love and full of light. An infant that blossomed into a gorgeous girl. A
girl that left this world about 70 years too early.
Thank you to the friend who sent
me this e-mail after the birth of her child: “I am sending you pictures
of [Baby X]. He has Natasha’s big eyes. I know Natasha would love to
play with him and I wish that she was still here with us to enjoy him.”
Suzanne
Leigh is a freelance health reporter, a Huffington Post blogger and the
mother of two gorgeous girls. She blogs about her family at: www.themourningafternatasha.wordpress.com
http://www.mothering.com/community/a/a-bereaved-moms-plea-to-the-nonbereaved-i-wish-youd-say