More than once,
I have sat in my office struggling to understand what is disturbing an entire
family about their young adult. Upon meeting the young adult, for this
conversation, 17-20 years old, male or female, I am struck by how loving
and devoted this wonderful family is – but also, more deeply, wondering, what
is bothering them?
It might take
just one visit, or it might take several weeks, until this lovely youngster
will burst into tears and stutter the words "I’m gay," usually
followed with "I have never told anyone this. I'd rather die than say
these words."
I share this
story because my witnessing to this event is so rarely told.
My private
practice sees the nicest individuals, couples, and families, and my community
is child and family-centered: there really are no bad parents (I know,
a bold claim!). If anything, we are an overly engaged,
self-scrutinizing, uber-attentive group of parents!
After decades in
social services, I recognize bad parenting; either neglectful, abusive,
mentally ill, or critically authoritarian. But, my writing here today is about
the (typical?) kind and open family that only want the best for their child -
the untold story of the gay young adult that feels self-hate, that lives in
terror of being found out, despite of his embracing community.
No reasonable
parent wants their offspring to suffer...and the truth is that a parent
intuitively knows that life as a gay person is harder than living as a
heterosexual. It may not be that forever, and many adult gays would say that
they are fully at peace with their journey towards acceptance and harmony, both
within themselves and within society at large.
Presented to me
is a loving family with a super terrific kiddo, a college student, sometimes
bouncing back from college, or still in high school - their mood has
shifted.
Mom or dad might
think their child is increasingly depressed or "dark" - often they
wonder if they are using drugs, doing something illegal or unethical. But no:
we are talking about a child with prior good grades, active and engaged with
others, often with a practicing family faith, a child who uses no drugs and
holds a promising future.
I want to be
normal
Everyone will
talk about me
I’ll never
have a family
I want to
disappear
I want to
die
God will be
mad at me
My parents
will be devastated
I don’t want
my teammates to know
Many of us
imagine it must be so easy to come out these days with the growing societal
LGBTQI rights and vocal support groups. Or, perhaps when you read about the
suicide of a gay student you imagine that their family had rejected them, or
they were bullied by peers, yet, in my experience this is often not the
case.
The parents of
the confused/inquiring/not yet “out” are wringing their hands, losing sleep and
stressed at work, wondering why their child won't open up to them - What
can I do to make him or her happier? Where is the child that I knew and
loved just a year ago?
Those parents
have said, in front of me to them, "I love you as you are."
And, I will share this assurance with young people, as they burrow down in
unnecessary fear and worry- "In time, most parents are able to
fully accept their kids as they are. Sometimes in the blink of an eye. Your
folks will surprise you!" but that encouragement will initially
fall on deaf ears.
When I hear of a
college superstar, or a sweet kid from the community - bright and shiny with
everything to live for - taking his own his life, for no apparent reason, with
never a bad day, my first thought is often gosh, I hope you did not end
your life because of a secret.
The stages of
coming to terms with one’s sexuality typically follow:
1) Denial:
I don’t want to be gay, I’m not going to be gay, push it down, ignore it, it
will go away.
2) Confusion:
What is happening? Why do I like her? How am I feeling? Is this intimate
attraction? Of those two, confusion or befuddlement is easier to handle
than the self-loathing of denial, often accompanied by depression, panic
attacks, avoidance.
3) Dialogue: This next stage is moving into some
sort of dialogue with a loved one; a therapist, best friend, teacher. This is
the toe-in-the-water exercise as we begin to unpack the assumption that we will
be rejected and harshly received. At this
stage, one feels out his/her immediate circle for direction and future support;
a trust-building phase. (As a reminder, there are free and anonymous
online and texting support services, e.g. CRISISTEXTLINE).
What does it
feel like? Who cares about you? Who can support you? Parents and family are
usually much more accepting than kids give their parents credit for! We’ve all
been there - the night of the fender bender, when you don’t want to call dad,
or come home with the horrible grade. Parents adapt and forgive, like the old
wise oak tree.
Most young
adults do not hope to be a caricature of a gay person, ("Where are the quiet gays?" Hannah Gadsby) the typical movie or
television version and possibly the only one they may know. And they surely
don't want to shake up a system or make new laws that protect their well-being.
Again, remember
this young adult has probably spent his or her whole life hearing remarks about
gays. Man, those ring in the ears for an eternity. Numerous
choices have been made along the way to hide the secret -
protect the secret at all costs. Three painful examples that have stayed
with me; getting the exact opposite (one imagines) of a “gay” haircut, making a
point of not being friends with someone that he/she might possibly find
attractive, and, choosing homophobic friends to remind one “not to be gay.” This
is wasted energy for what should otherwise be an incredibly productive age and
stage of life.
An alcoholic
will go to great lengths to convince himself and others that he does not have a
drinking problem. A young adult coming to terms with it with his or her
sexuality will go to great lengths to convince himself and others that he is
not gay. My office, the counselor's office, is usually the last house on the
block. For many families it feels like admitting failure (not!) to walk
in and have a conversation with a stranger about the very worst thing happening
in your life and paying for it moreover, such is the desperation.
I am convinced
that crime and violence would be reduced across all spectrum. Pockets of
exceptional difficulty to come out exist, e.g., the military culture, Latino
and African community, conservative religious groups. My simple hypothesis is
that greater personal self-acceptance will reduce social deviance, risky
behavior, and psychopathology (greater acceptance will not increase homosexual
orientation, just as shame does not a straight person make).
I’m here to tell
you that it is not easy coming out. Rare is the 19-year-old that wants to shout
it from the rooftops; he's usually horribly lacking in self-confidence and
those leanings that he’s held probably since kindergarten (as told to me
repeatedly). Young adults should be solely consumed with ideas about their
future instead: where to go over the upcoming summer, choosing a college,
getting pizza for dinner, making a little money, volunteering somewhere,
building that resume.
The same person
that has dear gay friends will feel great grief and confusion over her own
child's coming out. The well-meaning heterosexual parents might wonder if kids
these days aren't "just experimenting." Perhaps - "She was
vegan last month," and "Changes her hair color
every other day… Now this.”
I get it!
I don't doubt
that sexual trends can manifest as sexual disorientation, that depression and
isolation may make for false “try on suits” - but, I am referring to something
very different here; a young person that cannot shake his shame over what he or
she feels deeply, to be true. Sometimes the goal is to simply get through high
school, or move away, so that confining persona can be shed, and one can begin
to live with ease and comfort, without impending doom for what others may think
or say.
Inaccurate,
preconceived beliefs and ideas that pushes the young adult further into
themselves are deadly. The parents of the dead athlete, the talented musician,
or the funny writer, so loved, would give anything to tell their handsome son,
their beautiful baby "I loved you before you were born. I love you
no matter what. Let's talk."
PFLAG: For Families and
Loved Ones