For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love
Sharon Rosenblatt was talking to her
therapist fast and furiously about her dating life, when the woman
suddenly interrupted her. "Haven't we heard this before?" the therapist
asked.
Was Ms. Rosenblatt offended? Not at all. The 23-year-old, who works
in business development for an information technology company, says she
specifically sought out a tough-love therapist after graduating from
college and moving to Silver Spring, Md., two years ago.
"When there's unconditional love from
my therapist, I'm not inclined to change," Ms. Rosenblatt says. Previous
therapists, she says, would listen passively while she complained
unchallenged.
Whining, as defined by experts—the therapists, spouses, co-workers
and others who have to listen to it—is chronic complaining, a pattern of
negative communication. It brings down the mood of everyone within
earshot. It can hold whiners back at work and keep them stuck in a
problem, rather than working to identify a solution. It can be toxic to
relationships.
How do you get someone to stop the constant griping? The answer is simple, but not always easy: Don't listen to it.
Moms, and bosses, are good at this. Some
therapists are refusing to let clients complain endlessly, as
well—offering up Tough Love in place of the nurturing gaze and the
question "How does that make you feel?"
They're setting time limits on how long a client can stay on certain
topics and declaring some topics off-limits altogether. Some are even
taping clients so they can hear how they sound and firing clients who
can't stop complaining.
"Talking endlessly about your problems isn't going to help," says
Christina Steinorth, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara,
Calif. She tells her patients in the first session: "If you are looking
for the type of therapy where I am going to nod my head and affirm what
you are feeling, this isn't the place to come."
When clients whine, Ms. Steinorth has them make a list of how their
life could improve if they stopped complaining and started working to
solve their problems. She suggests they set aside a 10-minute window
every day and do all their whining then. For clients who still won't
stop, she suggests they consider discontinuing therapy until they are
ready to move forward.
Sometimes it feels like we're a nation
of whiners. Many of us learned this behavior as children, when we got
what we wanted by wearing our parents down. In adulthood, whining—or
venting, as I like to call it when I'm doing it—can be a coping
mechanism, allowing us to let off steam.
"A lot of whiners don't know they whine," says Julie Hanks, a
licensed clinical social worker who has a therapy clinic in Salt Lake
City. "I want them to ask themselves, 'Would I want to hang out with
this person?' "
Television encourages us to whine, thanks to shows like WE tv's
"Bridezillas" or A&E's "Monster In-Laws," about people who do almost
nothing else. Technology, meanwhile, has trained us to expect instant
gratification and become frustrated when we have to be patient. Facebook
can make us feel that everyone else has it easier.
According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, married couples who
flourish have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions
within "conflict conversations." In couples who divorce, the ratio is
less than 5 to 1.
The good news is that it is possible to get whiners to stop. Ms.
Hanks, who takes a tough stance on whining, says it is critical to build
a rapport with a client. She often challenges patients to go an entire
session without talking about pet topics, such as their mother or their
ex. You can ban overvisited topics at home, too, she says, as long as
you pay attention to real problems. She sometimes audiotapes sessions,
so clients can hear themselves whine. She has even taped herself at
home, to learn how she relates to family members.
Ms. Hanks says it is important for the
listener to understand that whining masks a deeper, more vulnerable
emotion. For example, a person might complain about a boss, but what he
is really feeling is fear that his career is stalled. "Whining is just a
powerless complaint," she says. Understand this and you can get to the
root of what is wrong.
Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif., licensed
psychotherapist, has a three-step stop-whining program. First, she
points out the behavior, sometimes mirroring it back to a client, using
both the same words and tone.
"The goal is to create self-awareness," Dr. Walfish says, and in a neutral way.
Next, she points out that there's a pattern to the complaining.
Finally, she asks the whiner what he or she plans to do about it.
"When someone whines to you, it is an indirect way of saying, 'You
fix it,' " Dr. Walfish says. "You want to put the responsibility back
where it belongs, in the whiner's lap."
Douglas Maxwell, a licensed psychoanalyst in Manhattan
and president of the National Association for the Advancement of
Psychoanalysis, says constant complaining is often a "resistance," and
the person whining is often unaware of it.
With a client who gripes incessantly about a problem without making
progress, he will say: "Stop. No more complaints. I don't want to hear
about this one more day. You must talk about something else."
Often, clients don't take this so well, Mr. Maxwell
says. They resist his attempt to break through their barriers and even
transfer their anger onto him. But he holds his ground—and says he is
prepared to repeat his ban as often as he has to.
Sometimes, Mr. Maxwell will use humor. "Here we go again," he might tease a patient.
"Once you draw the line in the sand, you have to hold that line," he
says. "Otherwise, anything you say as a therapist loses its effect."
Crybabies, Be Gone!
Often, people don't realize they are
whining. The trick: Raise their self-awareness without using accusatory
or sarcastic language.
Go gently: Even therapists say this
conversation sometimes ends with the client walking out. Start by
telling the person who is whining how much you appreciate him or her.
Use a tone of genuine curiosity. You
want to get to the bottom of the problem together. You may want to
mirror the negative communication. 'I don't know if you hear yourself,
but listen to what you just said.'
Point out there's a pattern. Say, 'Do
you realize it's the fifth night in a row you've talked about this?'
Offer to tape future conversations so the person can hear for him or
herself.
Open up the conversation. A person
whining about work may be feeling unwell, or stuck in his career. Ask,
'Is there something else that's wrong?' Explain that it is hard for you
to hear the real issue because the person's tone and attitude are
getting in the way.
Ask the person what he or she plans to do about the problem. Hold them accountable.
Suggest alternatives. The person might
want to write down a list of complaints and leave it in a drawer. Or
keep a journal and circle repeated complaints in red pen. Or spend an
hour at the gym, or do something outdoors with you.
Set a time limit. For 10 minutes a day,
the person can whine unfettered—and you will listen. Then time is up.
Do this once a day, once a week—or challenge the person to a 'whine-free
day.'
Give positive reinforcement. Say, 'I love to hear good things about your job.' Praise each increment toward healthy communication.
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com or follow her column at www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.