Simple Couples Communication Rules for
Respectful Conversations
1) In stating a
problem, always begin with something positive. “I like it when you hold me
while we watch tv. But I feel rejected when you aren’t affectionate in other
situations.”
2) Be specific.
“You seldom ask me questions about my day,” or, “Most of the time I initiate
sex.”
3) Express your
feelings. “I feel rejected and unloved when you don’t include me in your
weekend plans,”or,“It’s very frustrating when I want sex but have to wait for
you to initiate it.”
4) Admit your role
in the problem. “I know that I can make it hard for you to play with the kids
because I sometimes step in and interfere.”
5) Be brief when
defining problems. Do not devote excessive time to describing, rather than
solving, a problem. No need to mention the multiple times one can remember
being hurt and feeling angry. Why questions do not help. “Why do you feel it
necessary to avoid my requests?” This is verbal masturbation.
6) Side-tracking is
useless. Husband: “I’d like you to be nicer to my mother.” Wife: “Since when
are you nice to my family?”
7) Discuss only one
problem area at a time.
8) Don’t make
inferences-only talk about specifics. “I think you’re mad at me because I
criticized your driving,” or, “There’s a lot of anger in you.” Instead offer a
specific, “When you said my dress was too young for me in front of Bill and
Lisa, I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.”
9) Focus on
solutions and brainstorm together. “How can we solve this together? It sounds as if we’re
both frustrated and hurt.”
10) Paraphrase: Every
remark should be brief, summarized, and simple.