TED TALKS: The Big Idea His Brother Inspired

When Jamie Heywood's brother was diagnosed with ALS, he devoted his life to fighting the disease as well. The Heywood brothers built an ingenious website where people share and track data on their illnesses -- and they discovered that the collective data had enormous power to comfort, explain and predict.  Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ2PFoHptK8 and then, click here to view the huge grass-roots movement that this lecture created. http://www.patientslikeme.com/

An Updated View on Bullying

As we have witnessed recently, the educational system is broken on many levels. If your child is being bullied, do not rely on your child’s school to fix the problem. More than 40 states have anti-bullying laws that generally require schools to adopt a set of preventive policies, but most teachers have little experience in anti-bullying training. Expecting a large school, often understaffed and under funded, to protect our children has become an outdated fantasy. Teachers have their hands tied behind their back, operating with minimal legal recourse to control aggressive and hostile behavior on campus.

Adults rarely see bullying occur, but other children almost always witness bullying behaviors of another peer. Bystanders are present 85% of the time when someone is being bullied (Craig and Pepler, 1997)

If you suspect that your child is being “bullied” not to be confused with left out, disliked, or unpopular- and your child is in a school setting, my recommendation is that you take immediate action and not return your child to school until your child’s emotional and physical well-being are assessed.

Bullying is a very specific word that carries wide-reaching implications with legal, social, ethical, and criminal consequences.

I anticipate the day will come when mandatory reporting will dictate that adults who witness emotional and social bullying will be legally required to notify authorities.

No one takes pleasure in witnessing another person being bullied but it is rare for someone to stand up to the bully in defense of another.

This means that 1) young children are rarely able to find the appropriate language to alert the authorities, 2) they are distrustful of adults or 3) they are afraid of the bully turning the attention to them.

Research shows that bystanders who step in and take action can usually stop the bullying within 10 seconds (Craig and Pepler, 1997). You need to be safe though, which means that you may need to go for help instead of intervening directly…but you can make a difference.”

Why do children bully? Because they have not acquired the skills to maintain healthy and respectful interactions with peers. They may have good grades or come from “nice” families. Common punitive approaches to diminish bad behavior do not work with this modern day “bully.” Unfortunately, the victim becomes trapped or “emotionally stuck” in the dance, resembling a domestic violence pattern of power and control. To an outsider, it’s mind-boggling why the victim doesn’t get away from the emotionally abusive relationship.

Are there ways to prevent your child from becoming a target of another’s predatorial and aggressive behavior? Yes. Some children are simply more susceptible to taunting and rejection than others. There are proactive steps that parents can take to develop and nurture successful social and relational skills. Naturally, children that have been encouraged to trust their instincts and verbally assert their needs, in a direct and meaningful manner, will have more effective coping skills.

Daniel Goleman’s book, "Emotional Intelligence," is a terrific beginning to work with your child on improving verbal skills, identifying emotions with the correct matching language, and learning to trust their inner voice, which instinctually strives to keep them safe.

Another book, “The Gift of Fear,” by Gavin De Becker illustrates our human instinct towards safety. He convincingly makes the point that crime victims are able to, after the fact, recall their raw thoughts and physical sensations (“a funny feeling”) just minutes or seconds prior to their victimization. In other words, we are hard-wired towards survival and it enables us to recognize a creep when we see it!

Often times, a crime victim dismisses the information her body is taking in. Social pressure to “be nice” and “smile,” even though we have an uneasy feeling, competes for the brain’s ancient wisdom to survive. So, in summary, children should be encouraged to speak about their impressions of the world around them. Example: your child meets a new person in the grocery store and then says, “He was so nice!” Ask your child why he thinks that: "What about the person seemed nice?" If your child responds, “Well, he gave me candy for free,” explore how he/she forms opinions of others and foster reasonable skepticism.

YES! There are solutions. Believe it or not, research indicates that one voice, one held breath and small peep from a nearby peer - “hey, that’s mean!” - is usually all it takes to scamper off a bullying incident. “If you’re the person who is watching the bullying (as the bystander) you might be afraid that the bully could turn on you if you step in and say something. Realize that the bully is controlling you with your own fear, and exerting power over you with that fear.

Raise your child to stand up to bullies! Role-play, rehearse and practice how to intervene and protect peers. Sadly, most peers snicker, giggle or seem to "go-along" when they know that bad behavior is occurring. Teach your child to be a bold peace-maker.

If your child (or family member) is a bully, please ask a teacher, friend, or professional for help. It is your responsibility to control your child's unsafe and dangerous behavior... bullies appreciate (actually crave!) limits and desperately need controls on their behavior. They don't feel good by acting badly, in fact, they feel out of control and tell themselves that they are horrible for being mean and aggressive. If the bully is successful at being a bully, he comes to believe that he is worthless - filled with shame, guilt, and remorse. Step in and protect your child from his own train wreck. Parenting is very difficult and it can be scary to assert your power. I support you.

If you are being bullied:

• Stay calm. Bullies LOVE a reaction so don't give them one. • Don't fight back. You may get hurt or make the situation worse. Bullies want

attention—fighting back only gives them what they want.

• Avoid vulnerable situations. Walk to school earlier or later in the day, or walk with brothers, sisters, neighbors or friends. Don't be alone in hallways, restrooms or empty classrooms. • Project confidence. Slouching, looking

at the ground or your feet, and fidgeting show that you're not sure of yourself. Hold your head up and stand up straight. Bullies pick on you because they think you’re afraid.

• Don't be afraid to tell people you trust. Adults can help more than you think. They have resources that you don’t and the benefit of experience. If at first you don’t find a supportive adult, keep looking. You’ll find one that will listen and help you. • Never give out or share personal

information online, including your name, the names of friends or family, your address, phone number and school name. Personal info also includes pictures of

yourself and your email address. Never tell anyone your passwords.

• Don’t reply to messages from cyberbullies. Even though you may really want to. Cyberbullies want to know

that they're messing with your mind. • Don’t erase or delete messages from cyberbullies. You don't have to read it, but keep it. It’s your evidence. The police and your Internet Service Provider and/or your telephone company can use these messages to help you (courtesy of b-free.ca, Alberta, Canada)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Household Hazardous Waste Collection Event

Household Hazardous Waste Collection Event for Carlsbad Residents

Saturday, April 17th, 2010 9:00am-1:00pm

*Paint

*Computer Components and TV's

*All batteries

*Motor Oil & Filters

760.602.7559

www.carlsbadca.gov/services/environmental/hazardous-waste/pages/hhw-one-day-event.aspx

Book an Appointment!

Laura Munson's New Book On How She Saved Her Marriage

Laura Munson's 2009 New York Times article made a huge splash as she explained to the world how she took it in stride when her husband told her that he didn't love her any more and maybe never had. She tells the whole story in her new memoir, "This Is Not the Story You Think It Is," published last week. On "Good Morning America," Munson spoke about her decision to stick by her husband while he figured his life out. "I believed in us," she said, and was unwilling to give in to her husband's call for divorce. "Ultimately, however," she said, "this is not a strategy about staying together, it's a philosophy about taking care of yourself during a crisis." Her patience was a way of controlling what she could during a very difficult time, and eventually it paid off when her husband realized his mistake and came back.

Watch Here: Interview on Good Morning America 

Self -Defense Workshop - Learn How to Control Your Body & Emotions

• WHO: Anyone - Ages 13 and Up
• WHEN: Monday-5 April, 6-7:30PM
• WHERE: Carlsbad Parks and Rec – Harding Center Auditorium 3096 Harding Street Carlsbad, CA 92008
• FEE: $20

PARTICIPANTS WILL LEARN BASIC SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES:

What to do if you are attacked

How to stop an attack quickly regardless of your age, size, or gender
PARTICIPANTS WILL ALSO LEARN TO USE ATTITUDE AND AWARENESS:

1. How not to be caught by surprise
2. How not to be identified as a target
3. How to turn your fear into strength
4. How to read a situation before it gets violent

LEARN ABOUT TECHNIQUES THAT ARE IMMEDIATELY EFFECTIVE!
For Information Contact: Kevin Warner@ 951-275-6258 or Joe Ramirez @ 760-505-1272
Presenter: Kevin Warner has practiced traditional Shotokan Karate for over 25 years and is internationally known as a competitor and instructor. As an international competitor, he has won numerous national sparring and form championships. In 1997, he captured an individual bronze medal at World Shotokan Karate Championships, and in 2002, at the KWF World Championships. Sensei Warner is Director of the American Japanese Karate-International West Coast Training Center, at the University of California, Riverside.

FAQ's: Therapy Services for Individuals and Couples

1) “Should I come into therapy with my partner or alone?” Couples in relational distress (unhappy!) will benefit from either individual or couples counseling. My goal is to help you improve your relationship and find new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Marriage is worth a hearty effort – most relationships hit a dead-stop at some point and each partner may find it necessary to “dig deep.” Yes, keeping families together is important and young children need both parents. Ultimately, this will be your decision – a therapist should never declare a marriage “over” or pressure a partner to “stay.” Divorce has lasting consequences for everyone; if no other options are available, amicable separation and divorce can be achieved with help from a skilled clinician such as myself.

2) Common Signs of Depression. Depression screening will be provided at your first therapy appointment. Suggestions and ideas to alleviate depression and improve your ability to focus, find employment, communicate better with family and friends, will be a collaborative effort between you and myself. Please see my website for greater detail on depression www.marriageandfamilytherapistofcarlsbad.com

3) “Will insurance cover therapy services?” I am a provider for several major insurance carriers. My flexible hours provide counseling to residents of San Diego and South Orange County, Newport Beach, Carlsbad, Del Mar, Oceanside, Vista and La Jolla, to name a few. Please call for further details 760.522.5659

4) Infidelity: Infidelity is a complex event in a relationship that can have devastating and/or permanent effects. Yet, many couples are able to successfully survive this traumatic experience. An experienced Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist can maneuver a couple through these powerful feelings. Beliefs and feelings around the infidelity must be managed in a safe and limited setting. Good communication skills include perfecting the message you send to others, the message that is received by others, and verification that both people are actually heard.

5) “We have already tried therapy!” If you have had therapy in the past, and you didn’t see improvements, there are often a variety of reasons for this. Sometimes your therapist is not the ideal fit. Sometimes we are not “ready” to take the actions necessary to feel better and sometimes the timing may be off (too many other issues at that time to properly address our internal conflict). If you have done therapy and feel that you addressed early childhood issues, there is often little reason to revisit those resolved issues. However, if previous areas of disturbance are surfacing again, it’s helpful to touch base with a therapist to give your life a closer examination. Previous areas of grief or loss, a family history of depression, or new manifestations of anxiety all benefit from seeking counseling and resolving the stumbling blocks to happiness.

Depression & Anger: Letter from a Male Client

Christina,

Hello. I just wanted to take a few moments to thank you for your help and suggestions for my life and marriage. I realize now that people need objective and educated people not only to talk out issues, but also guide them in life. Your suggestion to see my own therapist and to be open to the possibility of medication was a lifesaver. I had taken aspirin for a headache but I would have never considered medication for my anger/ depression. The thought of taking medication for this was a problem for two reasons; first you have to accept the fact that "I" have some issues that I may need medication, but most importantly "I" had to accept the fact that it doesn't make me weak, broken, or crazy. The medication is not as extreme or as scary as I once thought, it only makes me deal with life without a lot of "anger." If you have any clients that are unsure about medication or therapy please allow them to read this message, if you think it would help. The therapy and medication not only makes me a better person, father, and husband but also has given me my life and family back. Life is wonderful when you don't have to be angry or depressed all the time. Thank you more than words can express. Bob :)

NPR's Fresh Air, "The Teen Brain: It's Just Not Grown Up Yet"

Jensen says scientists used to think human brain development was pretty complete by age 10. Or as she puts it, that "a teenage brain is just an adult brain with fewer miles on it."
But it's not. To begin with, she says, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really.
"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."
Listen To This Story